How To Know When You’ve Fallen Out Of Love

The fact is, few people fall back in love again. Few recover from romantic disengagement and indifference. Falling in love is an experience we idealise; a state of being we are told will bring us the ultimate happiness and satisfaction in life. It’s an aspirational goal for the lonely, broken-hearted and singularly defeated people. It … Read moreHow To Know When You’ve Fallen Out Of Love

If You’re Distressed About Your Sexual Desire, This Could Be Why

“It’s appropriate and healthy to reconsider the role of sexual desire in your own life, value system and in relation to your partnerships.” On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being the lowest and 5 the highest, rate how important your sexual desire is to you. Give a reason for this rating. No … Read moreIf You’re Distressed About Your Sexual Desire, This Could Be Why

Radical Honesty — Is It Necessary To Talk About ‘Everything’?

There is a complicit, unspoken agreement between a couple not to talk about certain subjects. Like sexuality. “I’m not a cheater,” says the man on my couch. “I’m a responsible husband. I have a job, I parent, I don’t abuse my wife. We even have sex together. So I fulfil the basic requirements of marriage. … Read moreRadical Honesty — Is It Necessary To Talk About ‘Everything’?

Some Healing Advice For Those Whose Childhood Trauma Shattered Their Sexuality And Intimacy

In 1998 the CDC uncovered a link between childhood trauma and chronic diseases people develop as adults as well as social and emotional problems. The man on my therapy couch tells me he “explodes” with his partner. He shamefully confesses verbally abusing her and cries as he tries to understand why he hurts the person … Read moreSome Healing Advice For Those Whose Childhood Trauma Shattered Their Sexuality And Intimacy

Does Cyber-Infidelity Shield Your Polyamorous Need — Yes Or No?

Were I to ask you whether or not you’re cheating online as you sext, chat, flirt with a person who is not your partner, you’d probably say no. Were I to ask you whether or not you believe in cheating, you would answer “no”? I’m betting that even Cyril Ramaphosa would say he believes in the principle … Read moreDoes Cyber-Infidelity Shield Your Polyamorous Need — Yes Or No?

Here’s What Consensual Sex Is And What It Isn’t In Five Scenarios

Invite your partner for a discussion on consent and make sure you’re both on the same page. The concept of “consent” is messy and confusing. And that’s when you’re sober and unaroused, now add sexual arousal, excitement and external stimulants and it’s a struggle to work through the politics of consent. Placing all of this … Read moreHere’s What Consensual Sex Is And What It Isn’t In Five Scenarios

Here’s How Breast Cancer And The Loss Of Sexual Desire Intersect

The fact is 70 percent of breast cancer survivors have sexual dysfunctions that persist well beyond the first year of treatment and may worsen over time. As a South African woman, you can be sure of two things: one in three of you will be raped and about one in eight white women and 35 … Read moreHere’s How Breast Cancer And The Loss Of Sexual Desire Intersect

Could It Be True That The Advantages Of Marriage Are Disappearing?

Marriage was born of ancient societies’ need to secure a safe environment in which to breed, handle the granting of property rights, and protect bloodlines. There was a time when being married was an advantage. In fact, marriage was deemed to be so important that powerful elder men fighting for land and economic strength arranged … Read moreCould It Be True That The Advantages Of Marriage Are Disappearing?

It’s Not A Popular Subject, But The Latest Research About Paedophilia May Help Us Protect Our Kids

Professionals who work clinically and conduct research into paedophilia must be be scientific and confident to withstand the arrows that get slung at them. Working professionally in sexuality is edgy. Working with children (and I refer to people under the age of 18 years old) and sexuality is off the edge. No person wants to … Read moreIt’s Not A Popular Subject, But The Latest Research About Paedophilia May Help Us Protect Our Kids

There’s No Reason Why The Menopause Should Stop You From Enjoying Sex

Don’t allow menopause to steal away half your life. I am a menopausal woman, have been for about 10 years. I just couldn’t help it, it came with aflash,, it surprised me with the heat it generated. The dysregulated temperature of feeling so cold and within hours throwing off night covers and seeking fresh air, … Read moreThere’s No Reason Why The Menopause Should Stop You From Enjoying Sex

Here’s A Guide On How To Amicably End Intimate Situations

Taking action feels overwhelming. Nowhere is this more abundantly felt than when ending a significant relationship. I work with complex relationships. Clinically this refers to relationships that have trauma associated with them. This might be a fresh trauma, like death, an accident, a job loss or discovery of infidelity. Or it could be a childhood … Read moreHere’s A Guide On How To Amicably End Intimate Situations

This Is Why Your Teens Are Having Sex And Here Are Tips On How You Can Protect Them

The drivers for teens to early sexual play include peer pressure, low esteem, coercion, sex for money, pessimism, and lack of communication with parents. Take a peek inside the life of a teenager. It comes with a hazard warning, as it may cause you some disturbance. I grabbed these results from the 2015 National Youth Risk … Read moreThis Is Why Your Teens Are Having Sex And Here Are Tips On How You Can Protect Them

Consensual Non-Monogamy Or Simply Put, Cheating

Naturally non-monogamous people have struggled to stay faithful, despite good intentions. Cheating was always the solution… I know you are morally and ethically opposed to sexual and emotional infidelity. If you have not personally experienced it, you probably know someone who has. You’ve seen the wrist slitting pain, confusion, shame and the attempted clawing back to … Read moreConsensual Non-Monogamy Or Simply Put, Cheating

What Do You Do If You Think Your Partner Is Abusing Your Child?

SA has one of the highest rates of child abuse, one in three children, are at risk of being victims of sexual and physical abuse before the age of 18. I do not watch television. My TV set is used exclusively for Netflix and series. However, once I get settled into the apartment in Manhattan, … Read moreWhat Do You Do If You Think Your Partner Is Abusing Your Child?

The Truth About Sexual Authenticity Disorder (SAD)

We cannot deny the influence and freedom that porn, Netflix and social media have given people to normalise their sexuality. I believe that most people are dishonest about their sexuality. It’s a provocative statement to make. Before you get all huffy and angry with my statement, stop and consider your own sexuality. Do you feel … Read moreThe Truth About Sexual Authenticity Disorder (SAD)

Dear Diary, Today We Had A Fight, And No Sex

I have no doubt that your sexual repertoire is dependent on and limited by the amount of conflict, sexual difficulties and frequency you have daily. I need to be physically warm. Which means that I keep my environment overheated. This is not a good thing for couples who arrive in my therapy room, anxious, with attendant … Read moreDear Diary, Today We Had A Fight, And No Sex

Why You Need To Remove ‘Sex Addiction’ From Your Mind And Vocabulary — Dr Eve

There is no addiction. Only a diverse form of sexual behaviour. Perhaps you are one of these men or have been accused of being one of them, you may even be married to one. You certainly have heard of this man: the man who is addicted to sex. This is the man who is accused … Read moreWhy You Need To Remove ‘Sex Addiction’ From Your Mind And Vocabulary — Dr Eve

A Basic Guide To Bisexuality

No, it is not a fad, a passing fancy, an indecisive person who can’t decide whom to love, or a promiscuous person, a cheater looking for an excuse to cheat. Call me presumptuous, but I think you need to know more about “bisexuality”. Too many people squirm on my therapeutic couch when they apologetically try … Read moreA Basic Guide To Bisexuality

Healthy Love – Rate Your Own Style Of Attachment

Think back to when you were a kid. Your earliest memories are of your parents or primary caregivers. You observed them looking , touching, hugging, laughing , fighting and playing with each other – or completely avoiding each other. And in turn either being affectionate or distant with you . This was the beginning of … Read moreHealthy Love – Rate Your Own Style Of Attachment

Sex workers: Our Love/Hate Relationship With The World’s Oldest Profession

“The fact that Nokuphila Khumalo’s work entailed sexual acts, and is criminalised, placed her and her many co- workers, at high risk of danger. A sex worker participates in a march to raise public awareness on human rights issues in their profession on International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers in Skopje, Macedonia December … Read moreSex workers: Our Love/Hate Relationship With The World’s Oldest Profession

Depression Stole My Partner

Many people erroneously think taking a PDE5I, like Viagra, Levitra, Cialis will do the trick – restore the erection and all will be well. In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, we vow to love a partner eternally. In reality this is a big ask. How many of us can honestly say what … Read moreDepression Stole My Partner

A Huffington Post Sex Q&A With Dr. Eve

Everybody’s sex drive is highest when meeting someone new. The human brain loves novelty, unfamiliarity and unpredictability. Q: After I have an orgasm, I’m too sensitive and carrying on is really difficult for me. How can we work on this? Answer: Work on this? Hmm, not sure you need to “work ” on this. “Working” … Read moreA Huffington Post Sex Q&A With Dr. Eve

Revenge Porn, Sextortion And Other Nasty Virtually Violent Harmful Behaviour

Men are likely to experience name-calling and embarrassment, while young women are vulnerable to sexual harassment and stalking on all social platforms. I was the target of a vengeful ex. The first time I ended the relationship, he called me up to ten times in succession, a few times a day, and bombarded me with … Read moreRevenge Porn, Sextortion And Other Nasty Virtually Violent Harmful Behaviour

Male Orgasms — Choose Your Trend Of Fake, Quick Or Slow

All the different players in his body and current situation, have to come together at the right time, in unison, to create one fine resounding crescendo. Think of a man’s orgasm as a symphony orchestra, with each instrument having to be in tune and in time, to create majestic sounds. The conductor is responsible for bringing in … Read moreMale Orgasms — Choose Your Trend Of Fake, Quick Or Slow

Think We’ve Heard Enough About Safe Sex? This Is Why Condom And STI Week Matters

STI/Condom Week is a health awareness campaign by the South African government to promote safer sex and curb the spreading of STI’s/ HIV/AIDS. Isn’t it ironic, as Alanis Morissette sings, that Condom/STI Week began on Valentine’s Day? It’s like your honeymoon night – you’re expected to have penetrative sex that night irrespective of how drunk, … Read moreThink We’ve Heard Enough About Safe Sex? This Is Why Condom And STI Week Matters

There Are More People Masturbating At Work Than You Think — Here’s What To Consider Before Partaking Yourself

Is going off to the bathroom for a quick wank, the new coffee break? Should lubricants be a standard bathroom accessory, with condoms, soap and hand cream?

Read moreThere Are More People Masturbating At Work Than You Think — Here’s What To Consider Before Partaking Yourself

What South Africans Are Searching For On Pornhub

As I age I become more invisible as a sexual person to the public. The flirty glances from strangers and dinner party sexual innuendos disappear. Im bracketed as “asexual”, a woman without sexual desire, dried up and seeking “companionship” over a rip roaring night of sexual passion. It was with delight and relief to see … Read moreWhat South Africans Are Searching For On Pornhub

Cheating On Your Spouse Just Ain’t What It Used To Be

Bees and birds do it. Men and women do it. About equally. Between 25 and 70 per cent of women — and 40 and 80 per cent of men — have engaged in at least one extramarital sexual encounter. And these figures are for In Real Life Infidelity only. When it comes to Cyber Infidelity the figures are about as deep a thumb suck as you can get. Who is going to admit to a researcher this shamed, sinful behavior? In truth we really dont know how many people actually commit infidelity.

FILE – In this Feb. 19, 2010, file photo, Tiger Woods pauses during a news conference in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla. Woods called a news conference to apologize for his infidelities saying, “I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated.” (AP Photo/Eric Gay, File)

As a couple and sex therapist and clinical sexologist, working with infidelity is part of my daily bread and butter. The blame and shame exchanged between the injured partner and the participating partner reverberate off my walls until I have to call “time out”. Once the initial trauma is over and emotions become regulated, couples begin a conversation about the “morality” of cheating. This new “morality” questions global agreements that couples take for granted from the moment they become significant. Namely that they will be the one and only for each other, have ownership of each others genitals and hearts, and commit all their resources to only each other. Infidelity shakes these up in the most agonising manner.

I admit to cringing when placing these two words side by side : “morality” and “cheating “. I wonder who’s morality a couple is using – is it the traditional vows of commitment, sexual fidelity and monogamy? Plus I really want to know how, in this shifting world of the internet , do they define cheating.

I know the answer to the question of morality: we are using a Judeo-Christian model that dictates a mono-hetero-normative model of monogamy, sexual fidelity and commitment as ideal. Ask any person if they believe in infidelity and they will vigorously and righteously reply “No.” Ask that same person if they would leave this partner and the answer will be “yes”. And this same person will say they cannot forgive the infidel.

I don’t believe morality should interfere in people’s decision making process. And anyway the sands of morality are shifting.

Yet the majority of people try to stay, stay and even purport to develop a richer relationship, with themselves and their partner. All ideals of “morality” are kicked out the door as fear of cutting ties, children and finances, loneliness dominate decisions.

I am delighted. I don’t believe morality should interfere in people’s decision making process. And anyway the sands of morality are shifting. To begin with , the simple confusion of “are we in relationship now” dictates a new form of morality. As to the definitions of infidelity, well, the internet has certainly brought pandemonium to this concept.

In 2013 at the beginning of my research into Cyber Infidelity , one of my primary goals was to establish a definition of Cyber Infidelity. I remember the first time a couple sat on my couch with this conundrum of whether or not infidelity had indeed been committed.

She was inconsolable. Having a suspicious feeling, she went onto her partner’s mobile and found WhatsApp chats between him and a woman unknown to her. The conversations were frequent and mutually sexually explicit. Once confronted, he denied any wrongdoing, stating: “Its not that I am having sex or anything”. And he was correct. According to traditional sexual norms, which state that “sex” is penile/vaginal penetration until the man ejaculates, no body fluids were exchanged online. Is this cheating, I asked myself?

I realised that no amount of “morality” could prevent cyber infidelity and that people need a mutually agreed upon definition, new relationship agreements and a guideline on managing their cyber lives.

Amplified pain kept walking into my therapy room. Amplified through reading words and seeing sexting that made the injured partner wonder who this person they call “significant partner” really is. I realised that this pain was like no other kind of infidelity pain I’d ever seen. Indeed not only was this a betrayal in the traditional sense of a big secret having been kept, but betrayal that cut at the heart as the injured person could read and re-read written words. And mostly, establishing trust felt impossible. How do you remove a mobile phone from an adult for bad behavior?!

I realised that no amount of “morality” could prevent cyber infidelity and that people need a mutually agreed upon definition, new relationship agreements and a guideline on managing their cyber lives.

Cyber Infidelity is a process in which people in a committed relationship seek computer synchronous interactive contact through electronic conversations that occur through text, chat rooms, emails and dating sites. These contacts may be emotional, sexual or pornographic. They are always secret. They violate the very principles upon which traditional marriage and relationships are built, namely monogamy, sexual fidelity and commitment.

YOUR INFIDELITY MORALITY CHECK LIST:

I ask you to consider your current morality on cheating:

  • How do you define cheating?
  • Would your partner define it in the same way?
  • Do you consider cheating a deal breaker?
  • If you are an Injured Partner, would you consider leaving ?
  • If you stayed , would you feel a self betrayal ?
  • If you are the participating partner, would you feel guilty about your infidelity?
  • Would you forgive your partner? Give reasons either way.
  • Have you considered reconfiguring your original vows of monogamy, sexual fidelity and commitment?
  • Is one type of Infidelity worse than another type? Tick off and add on: 1. sex with a sex worker 2. sex worker is same/opposite sex 3. same sex person 4. massage with happy ending 5. interfaith/intercultural person 6. emotional only infidelity 7. sexual only infidelity 8. online only 9. sexting 10. friendship only 11. pornography viewing.

Welcome to the new cheating morality! Relook your own traditional values and see what you want to keep and what you want to throw out. I urge you to have this important discussion about morality and online activities, privacy and boundaries with a partner. It may well save you from the unnecessary pain of being seduced online.