I like jealousy. Admittedly the feeling is a dastardly painful emotional experience. However not feeling it makes me afraid that I dont really care. That I am apathetic. Yet feeling it, or admitting that I feel this complex emotion,makes me feel embarrassed, weak . Jealousy is desperate, clingy and unattractive . No way do I … Read moreThe Joy of Jealousy
I ask myself why there is so much pain and shame associated with being in a female body. Whether it begins with her first inappropriate non consensual touch , usually by a man, or her first painful consensual penetration with a man , her pain is ignored, its expected, and she quickly learns to suck … Read moreLets talk about Endometriosis – no one else is
The professional sex therapist ( and the many quacks who call themselves “sex therapists” ) narrative around fantasies goes like this : “share your sexual fantasies with each other. It will create intimacy, get you to really understand each other’s sexuality and perhaps you will get to actualise these fantasies. ” I scream out silently … Read moreExposing your Fantasies …to tell or not to tell
I am a keeper of secrets. Like a priest in a confession booth, I have the responsibility of holding and handling people’s most sacred and often times, shameful secrets. One of the first contractual agreements I, like every therapist, enters into with a client/clients, is that of confidentiality. I commit to being the professional secret … Read moreFamily secrets: what do we tell the children ?
Dear Dr Eve, help! Im a straight woman in a relationship with a man who recently revealed that he is bisexual. I am very attracted to him, and I know he feels the same way about me. We have a really good sex life. I am scared he is going to leave me for a … Read moreI’m straight in a relationship with a bisexual person
You can join the conversation by visiting Dr Eve’s Instagram account or her website. (read original Huffington Post here) Clinical sexologist and couples sex therapist Dr Eve has started a campaign that deals with intimacy trauma and how one can go back to having sex after experiencing sexual harassment. HTTP://DREVE.CO.ZA/ The campaign runs daily on social media, … Read moreDr Eve’s New Campaign Addresses Sex After #MeToo
‘I’m going to answer your questions about consent, permission, and how to build a safe, pleasurable environment for your healthy sexual expression.’ (Read the original Huffington Post article) My earliest memory of sexual harassment was as a young teen. It was of my dentist touching me inappropriately. I told no one, having no language to … Read moreLet’s Have A Conversation About Engaging In Sex After #MeToo
On June 16 1976 a student uprising began in Soweto and spread countrywide. In the Western world these kids are referred to as the Generation X kids, children of Baby Boomers. What made these kids unique from their parents was that they were latch key kids, were placed in day care as both parents worked, and … Read moreYouth Day : who is Generation Z?
Think about the greatest sexual experience you have ever had. I am sure you remember every detail of this experience: the place, date, time , smells and the intimate activities that were happening. You might have been alone ,with a partner, or with more than one partner. You were not thinking about a work assignment, … Read moreLow sexual arousal /interest? Mindfulness is the answer
Orgasms launched my career. Twenty five years ago talking about orgasms on radio was a necessity . Lack of sexuality education in an Apartheid state, my passion for educating people about sexuality and the firm conviction that it is the right of every person to enjoy healthy and pleasurable sexuality, motivated me to talk about … Read moreFemale Orgasm : its time to wise up
My earliest memory of sexual harassment was as a young teen, of my dentist touching me inappropriately. I told no one, having no language to even begin to express my confusion and discomfort. Literally a few weeks ago my 89 year old Aunt mentioned our family dentist and how he had felt her up. It … Read moreSexAfter#MeToo
Let’s get honest about masturbation and pornography. Im going to simplify it like this: You watch porn because it physically and mentally , arouses you . You want to be aroused because you want to masturbate. Preferably alone. You want to masturbate because you enjoy the feelings of being private with your own sexuality. Because … Read moreMay is International Masturbation Month : cum celebrate
Read Huffingtonpost original article here Sexual self-disclosure allows partners to better understand each other’s sexual needs and preferences. The number remains consistent : 43% of women currently experience one sexual problem and 12% report significant distress about their sexual problems. By sexual problems I refer to women with low sexual interest/desire and arousal , as … Read moreTo tell or not to tell: Disclosing sexual problems to a partner
Read Huffingtonpost original article here I should understand the institution of marriage. Ive had two of my own over the past 40 years, and I choose to spend hours of my working day in other people’s marriages/significant relationships. So Im always excited as I begin to notice changes in marriage that my clients bring to … Read moreMarriage Today : New thoughts on an old institution
Read Huffingtonpost original article here This is not a justification for cheating. It’s a new way of looking at and understanding infidelity. I know you’re happily married. I also know that morally you, like the majority of people globally, are opposed to infidelity. I also know that you have been impacted by infidelity either as … Read moreCould Cheating On Your Spouse Actually Save Your Marriage?
This is not a justification for cheating. It’s a new way of looking at and understanding infidelity. I know you’re happily married. I also know that morally you, like the majority of people globally, are opposed to infidelity. I also know that you have been impacted by infidelity either as a witness, child, confidant, friend. … Read moreCould Cheating On Your Spouse Actually Save Your Marriage?
I know you’re happily married. I also know that morally you, like the majority of people globally, are opposed to infidelity. I also know that you have been impacted by infidelity either as witness, child, confidant , friend. And so you know there is just nothing that hurts quite as badly as infidelity. However … Read moreInfidelity makes me feel alive: agree or disagree?
As we move into virtual reality in the next phase of our digi-lives, we remain humans, not robots, with human emotions. I have never been a fan of science fiction. It’s too out-there and definitely scary. Working with the unexpectedness of people’s behaviour, especially in their intimate relationships, is chilling – and thrilling. However, technology … Read more#Techsex: When Jealousy And Surveillance Kill The Mood
There are solutions to avoiding both. “I told him I was tired, as he asked to go the third round while reaching for yet another condom. As if an agreement had been reached. He lay on top of me, and thrust and thrust, until he finally ejaculated. I lay still and unmoving underneath him. Days … Read moreThe Difference Between Sexual Assault And Bad Sex
The CLOSER study proves that atrophied vaginas are an emotional and sexual health hazard. At last a group of South African medical academics has looked at South African women’s vaginas and published their findings in a prestigious journal, Climacteric (2017 Vol 20, NO.1, 49-54). More specifically, these academics – all highly respected gynaecologists – chose … Read moreAgeing South African Vaginas: A Study
I know you want to know this fact because I am asked it so frequently . The question posed is : “how important is sex in a relationship?” It is usually asked by a person who feels so guilty for not having more frequent sex with her/his partner. They are so desperate for release from … Read moreSexual Desire Discrepancy- Guide to getting on the same page
I have never been a fan of science fiction. Its too out there and definitely scary. I find reality fascinating enough. Working with the unexpectedness of people’s behaviour , especially in their intimate relationships, is chilling – and thrilling. However technology grabbed my attention. This #tech world has always felt surreal , too immediate and … Read more#TechSex: Jealousy and Surveillance
Abortion is a taboo subject in South Africa, with all of the associated stigmas. It is interesting to note that one of the first new bills that was passed in post-apartheid South Africa was the Choice on Termination of Pregnancy Act 1996. Pretty impressive that the government of the day recognised and prioritised sexual and reproductive … Read moreLet’s Revisit The Termination Of Pregnancy Discussion
At last a group of South African medical academics have looked at South African women’s vaginas and published their findings in a prestigious journal , namely Climateric ,( 2017 Vol 20, NO.1, 49-54) . More specifically these academics, all highly respected gynaecologists, chose to study post menopausal women’s atrophied vaginas. These are vaginas that are … Read moreAgeing South African Vaginas : a study
” I told him I was tired, as he asked to go a third round , whilst reaching for yet another condom. As if an agreement had been reached. He lay on top of me , and thrust and thrust, until he finally ejaculated. I lay still and unmoving underneath him. Days later I … Read moreBad Sex : An Expose
Accusing her for taking so long to speak up about sexual harassment hints at disbelief and doubt of the woman. Don’t ask. Simply do not ask this question. It implies that women are responsible for their own abuse and harassment. It hints at disbelief and doubt of the woman. It invites her onto a platform … Read moreYou Asking Why She Stayed Silent Makes Me Want To Gag. Just Don’t
“According to the Good Book, allowing anyone else into your sacred bed, makes you an infidel who will be met with fire and brimstone.” I remember the first time a couple came to share their cuckolding experience. I was moved by the boldness with which this 40-something educated man and woman spoke of this totally … Read moreCuckolding And Hotwifing — Fetish Or Not?
How interesting is it that one of the first new Bills that was passed in post Apartheid South Africa was the Choice on Termination of Pregnancy Act 1996. Pretty impressive that the Government of the day recognised and prioritised sexual and reproductive health, creating one of the most progressive abortion bills in the world. … Read moreTermination of pregnancy : let’s revisit
You fucked up. Like big time. You know you’re not supposed to do that stuff. Stuff like falling in love with another person when you’ve legally, religiously, and ethically committed to love only one person, that person being your significant partner/spouse. Stuff like having happy endings with paid masseuse , or hook up sex with … Read moreA perpetrators guide to surviving infidelity
Ive been thinking a lot about “betrayal”. As a couple and sex therapist working with the trauma of sexual and emotional infidelity , it is easy for me to be side tracked into seeing infidelity as the primary form of betrayal. This is a narrow lens within which to view betrayal. I want to expand … Read moreIntimate Betrayals
New Year’s resolutions leave an empty feeling in my gut. Perhaps because I am quite a focused person , having long ago embraced mindfulness as a lifestyle, the idea of delaying gratification makes me feel uneasy. Every day is filled with new possibilities and purpose and this gives me the passion to live life fully… … Read moreLive 2018 with Purpose & Passion
The fact is, few people fall back in love again. Few recover from romantic disengagement and indifference. Falling in love is an experience we idealise; a state of being we are told will bring us the ultimate happiness and satisfaction in life. It’s an aspirational goal for the lonely, broken-hearted and singularly defeated people. It … Read moreHow To Know When You’ve Fallen Out Of Love
Lets begin unpacking this sex toy story. I know some of you remain sceptical and uncomfortable with the notion of sex toys. I adore seeing the faces of people who walk into my practice and ask for the Dr Eve Store. Some look like deer before the headlights: exposed and vulnerable , whilst others are … Read moreMy top reasons why you should use Sex Toys
Don’t ask . Simply do not ask this question. It implies that women are responsible for their own abuse and harassment . It hints at disbelief and doubt of the woman. It invites her onto a platform on which she has to explain and justify that she was indeed sexually abused. Its a cop out, … Read moreWhy don’t women tell..? Don’t ask.
There is a complicit, unspoken agreement between a couple not to talk about certain subjects. Like sexuality. “I’m not a cheater,” says the man on my couch. “I’m a responsible husband. I have a job, I parent, I don’t abuse my wife. We even have sex together. So I fulfil the basic requirements of marriage. … Read moreRadical Honesty — Is It Necessary To Talk About ‘Everything’?
Were I to ask you whether or not you’re cheating online as you sext, chat, flirt with a person who is not your partner, you’d probably say no. Were I to ask you whether or not you believe in cheating, you would answer “no”? I’m betting that even Cyril Ramaphosa would say he believes in the principle … Read moreDoes Cyber-Infidelity Shield Your Polyamorous Need — Yes Or No?
Invite your partner for a discussion on consent and make sure you’re both on the same page. The concept of “consent” is messy and confusing. And that’s when you’re sober and unaroused, now add sexual arousal, excitement and external stimulants and it’s a struggle to work through the politics of consent. Placing all of this … Read moreHere’s What Consensual Sex Is And What It Isn’t In Five Scenarios
Marriage was born of ancient societies’ need to secure a safe environment in which to breed, handle the granting of property rights, and protect bloodlines. There was a time when being married was an advantage. In fact, marriage was deemed to be so important that powerful elder men fighting for land and economic strength arranged … Read moreCould It Be True That The Advantages Of Marriage Are Disappearing?
Don’t allow menopause to steal away half your life. I am a menopausal woman, have been for about 10 years. I just couldn’t help it, it came with aflash,, it surprised me with the heat it generated. The dysregulated temperature of feeling so cold and within hours throwing off night covers and seeking fresh air, … Read moreThere’s No Reason Why The Menopause Should Stop You From Enjoying Sex
Taking action feels overwhelming. Nowhere is this more abundantly felt than when ending a significant relationship. I work with complex relationships. Clinically this refers to relationships that have trauma associated with them. This might be a fresh trauma, like death, an accident, a job loss or discovery of infidelity. Or it could be a childhood … Read moreHere’s A Guide On How To Amicably End Intimate Situations
Naturally non-monogamous people have struggled to stay faithful, despite good intentions. Cheating was always the solution… I know you are morally and ethically opposed to sexual and emotional infidelity. If you have not personally experienced it, you probably know someone who has. You’ve seen the wrist slitting pain, confusion, shame and the attempted clawing back to … Read moreConsensual Non-Monogamy Or Simply Put, Cheating
SA has one of the highest rates of child abuse, one in three children, are at risk of being victims of sexual and physical abuse before the age of 18. I do not watch television. My TV set is used exclusively for Netflix and series. However, once I get settled into the apartment in Manhattan, … Read moreWhat Do You Do If You Think Your Partner Is Abusing Your Child?
We cannot deny the influence and freedom that porn, Netflix and social media have given people to normalise their sexuality. I believe that most people are dishonest about their sexuality. It’s a provocative statement to make. Before you get all huffy and angry with my statement, stop and consider your own sexuality. Do you feel … Read moreThe Truth About Sexual Authenticity Disorder (SAD)
I have no doubt that your sexual repertoire is dependent on and limited by the amount of conflict, sexual difficulties and frequency you have daily. I need to be physically warm. Which means that I keep my environment overheated. This is not a good thing for couples who arrive in my therapy room, anxious, with attendant … Read moreDear Diary, Today We Had A Fight, And No Sex
No, it is not a fad, a passing fancy, an indecisive person who can’t decide whom to love, or a promiscuous person, a cheater looking for an excuse to cheat. Call me presumptuous, but I think you need to know more about “bisexuality”. Too many people squirm on my therapeutic couch when they apologetically try … Read moreA Basic Guide To Bisexuality
Think back to when you were a kid. Your earliest memories are of your parents or primary caregivers. You observed them looking , touching, hugging, laughing , fighting and playing with each other – or completely avoiding each other. And in turn either being affectionate or distant with you . This was the beginning of … Read moreHealthy Love – Rate Your Own Style Of Attachment
“The fact that Nokuphila Khumalo’s work entailed sexual acts, and is criminalised, placed her and her many co- workers, at high risk of danger. A sex worker participates in a march to raise public awareness on human rights issues in their profession on International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers in Skopje, Macedonia December … Read moreSex workers: Our Love/Hate Relationship With The World’s Oldest Profession
Many people erroneously think taking a PDE5I, like Viagra, Levitra, Cialis will do the trick – restore the erection and all will be well. In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, we vow to love a partner eternally. In reality this is a big ask. How many of us can honestly say what … Read moreDepression Stole My Partner
Everybody’s sex drive is highest when meeting someone new. The human brain loves novelty, unfamiliarity and unpredictability. Q: After I have an orgasm, I’m too sensitive and carrying on is really difficult for me. How can we work on this? Answer: Work on this? Hmm, not sure you need to “work ” on this. “Working” … Read moreA Huffington Post Sex Q&A With Dr. Eve
All the different players in his body and current situation, have to come together at the right time, in unison, to create one fine resounding crescendo. Think of a man’s orgasm as a symphony orchestra, with each instrument having to be in tune and in time, to create majestic sounds. The conductor is responsible for bringing in … Read moreMale Orgasms — Choose Your Trend Of Fake, Quick Or Slow
Hands up who has not stepped out of the shower, stood in front of a mirror and taken a selfie of any body part and sent it to a lover or total stranger. The first time I received a dick pic (DP) was when I was chatting on an online dating site, doing research for … Read moreSelfies And Dick Pics: A Guide To Sexting
As I age I become more invisible as a sexual person to the public. The flirty glances from strangers and dinner party sexual innuendos disappear. Im bracketed as “asexual”, a woman without sexual desire, dried up and seeking “companionship” over a rip roaring night of sexual passion. It was with delight and relief to see … Read moreWhat South Africans Are Searching For On Pornhub
Bees and birds do it. Men and women do it. About equally. Between 25 and 70 per cent of women — and 40 and 80 per cent of men — have engaged in at least one extramarital sexual encounter. And these figures are for In Real Life Infidelity only. When it comes to Cyber Infidelity the figures are about as deep a thumb suck as you can get. Who is going to admit to a researcher this shamed, sinful behavior? In truth we really dont know how many people actually commit infidelity.
As a couple and sex therapist and clinical sexologist, working with infidelity is part of my daily bread and butter. The blame and shame exchanged between the injured partner and the participating partner reverberate off my walls until I have to call “time out”. Once the initial trauma is over and emotions become regulated, couples begin a conversation about the “morality” of cheating. This new “morality” questions global agreements that couples take for granted from the moment they become significant. Namely that they will be the one and only for each other, have ownership of each others genitals and hearts, and commit all their resources to only each other. Infidelity shakes these up in the most agonising manner.
I admit to cringing when placing these two words side by side : “morality” and “cheating “. I wonder who’s morality a couple is using – is it the traditional vows of commitment, sexual fidelity and monogamy? Plus I really want to know how, in this shifting world of the internet , do they define cheating.
I know the answer to the question of morality: we are using a Judeo-Christian model that dictates a mono-hetero-normative model of monogamy, sexual fidelity and commitment as ideal. Ask any person if they believe in infidelity and they will vigorously and righteously reply “No.” Ask that same person if they would leave this partner and the answer will be “yes”. And this same person will say they cannot forgive the infidel.
I don’t believe morality should interfere in people’s decision making process. And anyway the sands of morality are shifting.
Yet the majority of people try to stay, stay and even purport to develop a richer relationship, with themselves and their partner. All ideals of “morality” are kicked out the door as fear of cutting ties, children and finances, loneliness dominate decisions.
I am delighted. I don’t believe morality should interfere in people’s decision making process. And anyway the sands of morality are shifting. To begin with , the simple confusion of “are we in relationship now” dictates a new form of morality. As to the definitions of infidelity, well, the internet has certainly brought pandemonium to this concept.
In 2013 at the beginning of my research into Cyber Infidelity , one of my primary goals was to establish a definition of Cyber Infidelity. I remember the first time a couple sat on my couch with this conundrum of whether or not infidelity had indeed been committed.
She was inconsolable. Having a suspicious feeling, she went onto her partner’s mobile and found WhatsApp chats between him and a woman unknown to her. The conversations were frequent and mutually sexually explicit. Once confronted, he denied any wrongdoing, stating: “Its not that I am having sex or anything”. And he was correct. According to traditional sexual norms, which state that “sex” is penile/vaginal penetration until the man ejaculates, no body fluids were exchanged online. Is this cheating, I asked myself?
I realised that no amount of “morality” could prevent cyber infidelity and that people need a mutually agreed upon definition, new relationship agreements and a guideline on managing their cyber lives.
Amplified pain kept walking into my therapy room. Amplified through reading words and seeing sexting that made the injured partner wonder who this person they call “significant partner” really is. I realised that this pain was like no other kind of infidelity pain I’d ever seen. Indeed not only was this a betrayal in the traditional sense of a big secret having been kept, but betrayal that cut at the heart as the injured person could read and re-read written words. And mostly, establishing trust felt impossible. How do you remove a mobile phone from an adult for bad behavior?!
I realised that no amount of “morality” could prevent cyber infidelity and that people need a mutually agreed upon definition, new relationship agreements and a guideline on managing their cyber lives.
Cyber Infidelity is a process in which people in a committed relationship seek computer synchronous interactive contact through electronic conversations that occur through text, chat rooms, emails and dating sites. These contacts may be emotional, sexual or pornographic. They are always secret. They violate the very principles upon which traditional marriage and relationships are built, namely monogamy, sexual fidelity and commitment.
YOUR INFIDELITY MORALITY CHECK LIST:
I ask you to consider your current morality on cheating:
How do you define cheating?
Would your partner define it in the same way?
Do you consider cheating a deal breaker?
If you are an Injured Partner, would you consider leaving ?
If you stayed , would you feel a self betrayal ?
If you are the participating partner, would you feel guilty about your infidelity?
Would you forgive your partner? Give reasons either way.
Have you considered reconfiguring your original vows of monogamy, sexual fidelity and commitment?
Is one type of Infidelity worse than another type? Tick off and add on: 1. sex with a sex worker 2. sex worker is same/opposite sex 3. same sex person 4. massage with happy ending 5. interfaith/intercultural person 6. emotional only infidelity 7. sexual only infidelity 8. online only 9. sexting 10. friendship only 11. pornography viewing.
Welcome to the new cheating morality! Relook your own traditional values and see what you want to keep and what you want to throw out. I urge you to have this important discussion about morality and online activities, privacy and boundaries with a partner. It may well save you from the unnecessary pain of being seduced online.