Exposing your Fantasies …to tell or not to tell

The professional  sex therapist  ( and the many quacks who call themselves “sex therapists” )  narrative  around fantasies goes like this  : “share your  sexual fantasies with each other. It will create intimacy, get you to really understand each other’s sexuality and perhaps you will get to actualise these fantasies. ”

I scream out silently – WTF! This is the very opposite of what the word” fantasies” stand for . A dictionary definition of fantasies is : “the faculty or activity of imagining impossible or improbable things”. Synonyms include words such as imagination, creativity, fancy, invention, originality, vision, speculation, make-believe, daydreaming, reverie.  Sexual fantasies are escapes into flights of fancy that activate a part of you that arouses and excites you in a very different way than the arousal and excitement that you feel with a partner/s. Do you really want to share these very private thoughts and feelings? Do you want to strip away all of your privacy  and expose this part of yourself to a partner who is sure to respond with a resounding WTF! 

I mean lets get honest here.. who of us really wants to think that our partner desires anyone other than Self? That our partner enjoys a very different kind of sexuality in his head as compared to the one that he/she is having with you ? Can you bear it? Should you bear this pain ? I ask , are you adult enough to tolerate knowing that, like you,  your partner/s has fantasies swirling around in his/her head that might make a minister of religion blush. And might make you really pissed. Or really hot !

No doubt sharing fantasies  has advantages . Your partner will finally get why you have no interest in being sexual with her/him once you reveal  your smoking  or rubber or fisting fetish. It  opens up honest necessary  negation around how to respect both of your erotic cues. And perhaps revealing your fantasy will bring out the hot in both of you.

There is an element of wonder that happens when a partner bravely opens up their fantastical minds to an-other.  And gets an adult positive response. Its quite a religious experience for me actually. This kind of disclosure brings a sexual freedom like non other. It also places you at risk for ridicule, rejection and stigma.

I am remembering when a woman disclosed to her long term partner that she really wanted to experiment sexually with a crush. Instead of the anticipated judgment and mono-hetero-normative negative response, he felt himself aroused and erect. Forever he had fantasised about watching his wife have sex with another man. Never brave enough to suggest this, he was now  finally allowed to release  the cuckold part of him.

One of the positives of being an ageing therapist is that I have seen fantasies change over the years. Trends emerge that reflect current behaviour exhibited in porn and other forms of media. Lets see what is currently trending and then you decide if you would like to share your fantasy with your partner/s.

A colleague of mine,  Dr. Justin Lehmiller,  a Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute ,conducted the largest and most comprehensive  USA survey on fantasies.   His  newly released book  Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life 

reveals all. Dr Lehmiller surveyed over 4000 Americans , asking them over 369 questions about their personalities, sexual histories, and all about their  “biggest sexual fantasy of all time” . The surveyed , conducted over 2 years,  covered not only ages 18 to 87, but also a huge range of races, religions, and socio-economic backgrounds, genders and sexual orientations .   97 percent of those who replied said that they had sexual fantasies

He found that the fantasies fell  into  seven major categories, though there were three more prominent ones. Here’s what we’re fantasizing about.

  1. Multi – Partner Sex : Group sex was by far the most common to emerge. More than one third of his sample described this as their favourite fantasy. Dr Lehmiller deduces that group sex is perhaps the most “normal’ thing there is to fantasise about because almost everyone has been turned on by this thought of it at one time or another. Broken down : 89% fantasised about threesomes , 74% about orgies and 61% about gang bangs. Both men and women had this as their number one fantasy. He hypothesised that this may be in response to monogamy . On this same continuum, many of his sample expressed a desire to be in an open relationship
  2. Control/Rough Sex. This includes all  power exchanges across the continuum , from light bondage to BDSM. 60%  fantasised about inflicting pain, and 65% about receiving pain.
  3. Novelty , Adventure and Variety. This includes  having sex somewhere new, trying a new position, a new toy, or maybe just a new partner.
  4. Taboo And Forbidden Sex. This includes voyeurism and exhibitionism as well as fetishes.
  5. Non Monogamy. People in monogamous relationships fantasised about someone other than their partner.
  6. Passion and Romance. Both men and women fantasized about feeling loved, content and appreciated.
  7. Erotic flexibility . This includes  same-sex eroticism (as in people who don’t identify as already queer)  and gender-bending. Considering that even women who identify as straight love lesbian porn, the popularity of this may not surprise you.

One outcome that I found fascinating was that the younger the respondent, the more likely they would be interested in BDSM, while older ones were more interested in multipartner and taboo fantasies.Perhaps they are bored with the too frequent one-on -one sexual interactions over their many years, states Dr Michael Aaron , who reviewed the book. Aaron comments that Lehmiller urges readers to be open-minded and explore, while focusing on communication and safety. Lehmiller stresses not all fantasies should be acted upon, but many should, as 86% of respondents stated that acting out their fantasies either met or exceeded expectations, while 91% claimed that their experience had either a neutral or positive impact on their relationships.

Ball is in your court.. to tell or not to tell.. do share 🙂

To discuss Fantasies further, contact me here.